Legal Outlaws
by Rabid Monkeys
Summary: Rinoa,Selphie and Quistis are mysteriously transported to a world that is not their own.There they meet 'farmers' that seem to think only about money.Will they adapt to the country and not to mention three very suspicious guys?*Squinoa Quifer Selvine*
1. CHAPTER I

Disclaimer: We don't feel like writing one at the beginning of every chapter… So here it is… Once and for all…. WE… OWN… NOTHING!     

*Squinoa* *Seifitis* *Selvine*

Chapter I 

The piercing ring of the alarm clock awakened her from her 'beautiful dream'.  The tiny fist of Selphie reached out from under the covers and dented the radio-clock.  

"Not now!  Things were finally getting somewhere!" She yelled out at the apparatus.

Her mother, sitting calmly in the kitchen downstairs, simply ignored the panicked shrieks coming from the top level … this happened every morning.

"Sean, open the fricken' door!  I'm in a rush!" Her hyperactive voice cried out, not knowing the bathroom door was closed … but there was just no one in the bathroom.

Sean poked her in the back, "Hey, dipshit, I'm right here!  Good morning!" 

Grumbling, she kicked him in the shin and allowed herself in the bathroom.

***

Rinoa leisurely strode to the couch and turned on the T.V.; her mother gave her an odd look and spoke up.

"What do you think you're doing?" Julia asked.

Rinoa grumbled, "I'm watching T.V. I'll get dressed later."

"Honey, it's 7:30 …" Then, as if it was necessary, she added, "A.M."

"What? Excuse me! Could you repeat that? I could've sworn you said 7:30." She said disbelievingly.

"I did."

"HOLY FUCK!" She screamed as she ran out the room.

"Watch your language!" She called after her daughter.

Rinoa ran about her room, looking for some decent clothes to wear. The old teenage trick of smelling before you considered wearing it was put in motion. She knew that her drawers were empty and her closet was a wreck.

***

The tall blond sat behind the wheel of her car while she waited. She stared at her clock, waiting for either of the two tardy girls to emerge from their homes in a panicked run… Like they did every other morning. But today was slightly different.

They were still late… But something far more interesting happened.

Selphie ran from her house, shouting how badly she was going to kill her brother when she slipped.

The short girl slipped on the ice and skidded into a newspaper. Falling flat on her face, she got up to see if anyone had witnessed her act of clumsiness and found Quistis, nearly dying of hysterics at the wheel of the red car.

"It's not funny!!!" The younger girl shrieked and stomped her way to the vehicle, "If you weren't giving me a ride, I'd kick you in the ass!" She got to the passenger seat.

"Actually it was hilarious." Rinoa said as she too, got into the car.

***

The crumpled piece of paper was kicked up to Rinoa who swooped down to pick it up.  It read:

Hey Rin, don't you think that Mr. Richards has a really nice ass?  Look when he turns around!

She grimaced … the man was 40 for love's sake!  She scribbled back,

Are you shitting me?  Quistis, if you have nothing better to do … PLEASE, get some taste in men!

She kicked the note back, only to receive one from Selphie,

Freddy is single!  Freddy is single!  Freddy is single!  I had a dream about him last night … hee hee.  Mm … the shirtless-ness!

Rinoa rolled her eyes and replied, 

Please, spare me the details.

Quistis grinned at her note that she kicked to Selphie,

_Please agree with me!  Mr. Richard's ass is nice!  Tell Rinoa!_

Selphie squinted, held the note at arms length and grimaced, 

_You like them saggy?  Ewww!_

"What are three doing back there?" Mr. Richards called out to the girls.

"Nothing!" Rinoa nearly screamed, earning a few giggles from the front.

Quistis smacked her head on the desk, "I'm too young to die!" 

"Shut up, you idiot!" Selphie hissed, the note still at arms length.

"What is that in your hand?" His eyes narrowed.

"Um … something extremely dangerous!!  Don't come near it, sir." 

Rinoa groaned and wanted to completely disappear from the class.

Mr. Richards walked away from the board- that was full of notes on the Great Depression- and up to Selphie. He looked down at her and snatched the note from her hand. He read the note and looked at Quistis awkwardly.

"Miss Trepe, this s your writing, is it not?"

Quistis turned 18 different shades of red in the span of 3.5 seconds. "No! It's Rinoa's!"

"Ah, really? So how come the 'G's are all curly? And how come it says, "Please tell Rinoa" when Selphie's holding it? Care to explain?"

"Not really, sir."

"Fine then. Read it out to the class."

Quistis looked around for help. Everyone was too busy laughing at the three girls and there was still another half hour of class left. The chances of having a fire bell go off were zero to none.

Rinoa stood up and acted really sick. "Sir I have a headache. Can I go get some Tylenol from my locker? Bye!" She said as she left the room.

Selphie was the next to follow. "I'm having severe stomach cramps… I think it's that time of the month. You wouldn't understand sir!" she yelled as she too, left the room at break neck speed.

"Don't even think about it, Miss Trepe. Read it out." He smiled demonically.

Quistis looked at him timidly and looked at the scratches of writing. Her voice felt like it was going to cave. There was no way that she was going to be able to read it out. Not wanting to get in further trouble, she read the note out to the class.

Their reaction to hearing this information was to clutch their stomach and laugh hysterically.  Even Mr. Richards began to laugh but then stopped rather abruptly and yelled out, "NOT FUNNY.  Miss Trepe, I think you should be expelled however … I have something even better than expulsion."

"Sir, but … I was complimenting you!  Selphie and Rinoa were the ones …"

"I've not forgotten about those two, believe me!  They too, will have to face rather … cruel consequences.  I will not tolerate my students mocking me!"

The class fell silent once more as the lesson continued.

***

The three girls and the teacher were held back after school. Things did not look good for the three girls.

"As you are very well aware, note passing is prohibited during class. So, to teach you a very valuable lesson in respect, I expect a 500 000 word essay one the Great Depression for tomorrow. Three-letter words- and less- don't count. This is a group project. Surely you three will be able to pull it off with all the notes you took today." He smiled once more.

"But, sir, it wasn't-" Quistis started but was cut off by Mr. Richards.

"SILENCE! You will hand it in for tomorrow or else you will be expelled. Dismissed."

***

Rinoa walked up to the red car and awaited her 'companions' furiously.  She couldn't believe it.  

Quistis unlocked the car solemnly and got in. "Good, fucking job!" Selphie screeched, "I'm really sorry but I've got better things to do tonight so I'll let you do the work I'm no longer responsible for!"

"No longer responsible?  I had NOTHING to do with that note!" Rinoa screamed back, shutting the car door with such force that it could have just … fallen off.

"How do you figure?" Quistis turned back and glared at Rinoa, "Your name was in it!"

"Hey, not my problem if YOU wanted to convince me that RICHARDS had a nice ass!" She retorted. "Worst is, you tried to blame it on me!"

"I knew it was going to be a bad day ever since I stepped out that door!" Selphie yelled out to no one in particular.

"Selphie, go to hell!" The two other girls snapped.

Sammy: Maa … funny!  Ok, this will EVENTUALLY have a story line … don't get all pissy on us!  This is supposed to be funny so if you didn't laugh … *grabs the collar of their shirts* GET OUTTA HERE!!! Oh … and review!

Erica: Remember… Rabid monkeys will come after you if you don't review! Yes, I do happen to own a couple of rabid monkeys… Sammy being one of them…. But yeah… Just be nice and review… Oh… And on a happier note… Sam's gone crazy!!! BBYE!


	2. CHAPTER II

Chapter II

The car swerved into the driveway. The three girls rushed out of the car and up the walkway in silence. Death glares were shot all over. Innocent bystanders would have been taken as prisoners of war. 

They stomped up the stairs so loud that the neighbors around the house came out to see what was going on. These things did not happen everyday. Besides, there was a fight ensued. One lady even came out with the goop that one wears while asleep to moisturize their skin.

"Where do you think you're going?" Rinoa turned back and screeched at them, making the lady with the goop mask to cringe.

"Uhh, we have a project to do …" Selphie informed her as if it was necessary, "Didn't think you could get away so easily, did you?"

"We?  You have a project to do!  Leave me out of this!" Rinoa retorted, "I have nothing to do with this!" She didn't really care what she said anymore, as long as it got them off her back.

Apparently, Quistis didn't care what she was saying nor if it made sense or not, "Aaaah!  Waaaah!  Stupid bitch!  Nyaaaaah!"

Another woman who was standing with her son quickly covered her son's ears to stop him from hearing the profanities.

Selphie and Rinoa looked at her disbelievingly. 

"Righty then. Whatever you say." Rinoa said as she turned around once more to enter her house, only to find the two others were still following her.

"Where the Hell do you think you're going?" She turned once more, "You are not coming into my house."

"But Quistis and I are both morons!  We need your salvation!  Please, save us!" Selphie was about to get down on her knees and beg.

"How do you figure I'm any better off than you?" Rinoa retorted, "And anyways, it's not my problem."

Quistis latched onto her arm and rested her head on Rinoa's shoulder, "It is now."

"Whatever." An exasperated sigh escaped Rinoa's lips, "Fine, don't step on the rug, don't forget to take your shoes off, no touching the TV or the remote for that matter, no raiding the fridge, don't go into any rooms without my permission … and oh, you are not permitted to go into the bathroom.  All bodily excretions will have to wait."

The girls exchanged glances and then broke out into a question, "So, what can we do?"

"You can go to the computer room and work you ass off." She said as they entered the house.

The neighbors went back into the homes disappointedly. This was not the way they thought it would turn out, but on the other hand, there was going to be something to talk about at the summer pool parties.

***

"Oh my god! That day was so hilarious!" Selphie laughed. It seemed as if they were all good friends again.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! And then he went and locked himself into the closet. When they found him, he ran all the way home." Quistis laughed.

"All that because Selphie turned him down!" Rinoa broke down into hysterics, "God, we were so mean."

"Yeah, we were." Quistis laughed; then stated, "I'm hungry."

"Wow. That was really obscure." Selphie stated, "Come to think of it… So am I."

"You're what? Obscure or hungry?" Rinoa asked.

"HUNGRY!" Selphie wailed.

"All right. I suppose you can have those shitty cookies the Girl Guides sold us." Rinoa said.

"Wait… I like those cookies."

"Well, then. Do you like tofu?" Rinoa asked with an evil intent.

"No."

"Good. You can have that that then." Rinoa smirked.

"Oh damn." Quistis said.

"Do you like it in lasagna?" She asked demonically.

The two girls looked at each other and plastered on the same fake smile and nodded their 'Yes'.

"Oh well. You can have that too." Rinoa said enthusiastically. She was going to shove it down their throats whether they liked it or not.

"Whatever. Stop with the questions from Hell and let's just go and eat." Selphie complained.

They left the room and walked down the stairs.  Quistis, being the last one to leave the room, tripped over her own feet and fell upon Selphie … who then fell on Rinoa.  The avalanche of girls tumbled down the stairs and plunged into a different world.

***

Rinoa's eyelids lifted slightly and scanned the surroundings.  Haystacks, horses … nothing out of the ordinary … wait … horses?  Haystacks?  And was that a pig that had squealed by … or was it Selphie?  

She jerked upright and felt her forehead collide with something awfully hard. "Fuck, ow!" She cursed and looked up to what she had smashed in … someone else's head.  

The tall man, clad in a cowboy hat and a tanned leather trench coat seemed unaffected.  He smirked at her, "Hey there pretty lady …"

"Who the hell are you?" Rinoa screeched, "Where am I?  Where's Selphie and Quistis?  What happened to my _stairs_?"

"Woah, woah … maybe we should start by getting to know each other better.  I'm Kinneas, Irvine Kinneas, and you would be?"

"Where's Quistis and Selphie?" She waved her arms around frantically, "Where am I?"

"I'm sorry. You must not have heard me before. I'm a guy. You're a pretty girl. What does that tell you?"

"To get the Hell away from me! Now answer, where are Selphie and Quistis?"

"Well then.  They are over there. Now tell me, do we have to put out a buck and a half to get you?"

"To what?"  She screeched even louder, "A buck and a half?  Get the hell away!  Get away, now!  Rapist!  Pervert!"

A tall brown haired man walked into the room A thin scar ran from his forehead to underneath his left eye.  His serious face made him seem older.

"Irvine, what the fuck were you trying to pull?" He scowled, "You goddamn pervert."

Rinoa jumped from the haystack to behind the new stranger, "That's right, sir!  You tell him!  He is a creepy, creepy bastard!!  Help me!"

"I'll help you if you get off of me."

"Oh. Right." She said as she got off of him. "Now beat him up!" 

He turned around and looked at her as if she had sprouted a third head. "Are you kidding? Me, beat him up?" He paused to look at her, "Love to, but can't."

"But… But…"

"I told you, I can't I got trees to cut. Talk to you later." He said as he ran out the barn doors.

"You're no better than him!" Rinoa yelled after him.

Finally, her companions seemed to wake up, "Where am I?  Holy shit!  Is that a pig?" Selphie squealed, much like the animal she had woken to.

"Hello there, honey!" Irvine began working his 'magic' again, "Do _you _put out for a buck and a half?"

"Do I what?" Selphie raised an eyebrow.

Sammy-Chan: Hee hee … funny!  Hoped you liked it … if not well, you're going to have to ……… bah, you know, screw it!  Hee hee hee … anyways, read and review and I hope you like the fic.

CharlieGirl: Obviously, my friend lacks logic… Anyways, wow! We finally made it to the end! *Pushes 'Save' once more* Anyways, review or I'll send a really pissed off Sammy to ya. You don't want that, TRUST ME. So save yourself and write your words.


	3. CHAPTER III

Chapter III

****

****

****

"Where are we?" Rinoa asked for about the fifth time while Selphie desperately tried to 'shoo' the pig away.  Needless to say, it didn't listen.

"Uh … last I heard we were some place in Caly … For … Nia …" Irvine scratched his head, "Some old geezard said that … never heard of Caly … For … Nia …"

"Ever head of Win-" Rinoa covered Selphie's mouth in a desperate attempt to shut her up.  

She leaned forward and whispered, "Have you ever heard of a place like that?  No!  I don't think we're on the same Goddamn planet!  So shut up about Winhill, Timber, Deling or Dollet or whatever!  Unless you want to end up in a looney bin!"

Selphie nodded in understanding.  Quistis stirred in her sleep and got up to a standing position, "Wow … what a stupid dream." She grinned stupidly.

Rinoa slapped her forehead in annoyance, "This isn't a dream, Quistis … allow me to prove the fact." She went up to Quistis and hit her in the back of the head.

The brown haired man with a scar entered the barn again, this time he was accompanied by a taller blond man with a similar scar as the previous but running in the opposite direction.

"Whoa!  This is like a free whore house!" The blond man exclaimed, grinning from ear to ear.

"A what?" Quistis demanded him to repeat.

"Well, we could sell 'em!" Irvine suggested, "Or rape them and leave them where we found them.  _Or _rape them and then sell them!"

"Ok, no!  No!  And freaking' no!" Quistis yelled, "What is wrong with you perverts?  I am_ so _calling the FBI!  CIA!  NSG!  Someone get me James Bond … now!  Wait … now that I think of it … he's probably a rapist too!"

"For Christ' sake, Quistis, shut the hell up!" Rinoa exclaimed and then turned on the men, "You should all be ashamed of yourselves!  You don't treat women like this …"

The three guys looked at her and paused, "Yeah, you and what army?"

Rinoa gaped slightly, "The … the … Cali … For … Nia … army!"

"Hah, police forces in Cali-For-Nia?  They're a bunch of shitlickers … couldn't keep up with my horse." Seifer smirked.  
  


"You nearly _shat_ yourself, Seifer!  Will you shut the hell up?" Squall spat.

Seifer was taken aback but squealed in pain when he felt two pinching fingers grip at his ear, "Yeow!  Get the hell off!  Pain … pain … more pain!" Quistis was pinching Seifer with all her might.

"It's turning red …" Squall remarked.

Irvine squinted, "Woah, did it just turn a shade of blue?"

"Get this creepy bitch off me!" Seifer begged.  His two 'companions' doubled up in laughter, "Oh, I feel the fucking love!!  I'm getting my ear ripped off by some psycho bitch and you laugh??"

Quistis jerked the ear, "Now you … all three of you better listen up real good!  If you want to keep his ear attached to his head you better do what we tell you!"

The guys only erupted into a new wave of hysterics but stopped quite sharply when they felt their own ears getting punctured by two nails.

"Ow, ow, ow … double ow!" Irvine squeaked.

"Feel my pain, assholes!" Seifer yelled, "That better be a trickle of sweat and not what I think it is."

"Sorry hun, but this is darker than sweat and it ain't ketchup!" Quistis dug harder into his ear, making him screech in abominable pain.

"Wow, this is so efficient!" Selphie squealed in delight, "Imagine what would happen if we took them by the-"

"Selphie, don't go there!" Rinoa warned.

***

The three men sat on chairs, trying to ignore the pain that was still gnawing at their auricles.  You could see the bloody half-moons that now scarred them.  

"Bite back the pain, bite back the pain …" Irvine was muttering incoherently.

"Ok, fine!" Seifer declared, "We _won't_ sell you to the whore house!  We _won't_ rape you!  Christ …" They had let the three girls into the 'farm house'.  It was a run-down type house with three rooms: a bedroom, a kitchen and one bathroom.

"So what do you guys do for a living?" Selphie asked.

"Well, actually, we were part-time crimin-" Irvine was cut off abruptly.

"Shut up, Irvine!" Squall smacked him in the back of his head.

"**_CRIMINALS_**?! _CRIMINALS_?  What did he just say?" Rinoa shrieked.

"He said nothing. Ignore him. His mind makes things up for him and he tends to believe them." Squall covered, "The therapy bill was just too much to pay for a … sad apple farmer, Seifer.  And a very, very handsome and innocent lumberjack … me."

"Now we know you're lying!" Rinoa scowled, "You?  Innocent and handsome?  Do they not have mirrors here or something?"

"You're hurting my ego!  Leave my ego alone!" He pouted and crossed his arms on his chest, "Evil bitch … shoulda sold you … to a traveling monkey freak show!"

"Run that one by me again?" She threatened as she made a repeated pinching motion with her thumb and index.  He shuddered and stayed quiet.

"Well, what the hell are we supposed to do with you?" Irvine asked plaintively.

"Feed us!!" Selphie yelled, "And give us foot massages!  We also demand …"

The three girls looked at each other and went into a huddle.  A minute passed of their whisperings and whimpers and finally they seemed to reach some sort of 'group conclusion'.

"Ok, we'll help you on this farm and do whatever we can … if you put a roof over our heads and food on the table … and no more plots to sell us or rape us, you stupid perverts." Selphie spoke up for the three of them, "How often do you get laid around here?"

"Uh …" Seifer seemed to actually ponder the question, "Well, there was that time … oh wait no, I was drunk then.  It's hard to say what happened …"

"Well, last time I can remember was …on that couch …" Squall pondered for a moment.  Quistis and Selphie shot up from their sitting position … which was that very same couch.  

Rinoa laughed mockingly, "Ha ha ha … I got the safe spot, I got the safe spot."

"Actually, I have some pretty good memories with that chair …"  Irvine grinned at his 'memories'.

"Ok, ew!"  Rinoa also stood up, "Did you get the kitchen table?"

"Yes!" Seifer grinned, "First dibs!"

"Oh good God!" The three girls whined in unison, "You guys are a bunch of …"

"Ha ha, joking!  Got you!" Irvine did a little happy dance, "Well … only half-joking …"

"What is that implying?" Quistis looked at him skeptically.

"Hey you mentioned something about a roof, "Seifer swerved off the topic, deciding it was safer, "But nothing about four walls …"

"You know what I meant, dipshit!" Quistis rose a mighty high-heeled shoe and delivered a swift kick onto Seifer's buttocks.

Sammy: Haa, she kicked him in the ass … with a high-heeled shoe!  Muwahaha … yeah, so you better have enjoyed it … and do your duty and review.  By the way, to clarify certain things … I am not a pet and therefore should not be pet.  *Glares* You know who you are …

Erica: Heh. She went nuts after she read that. Anyways, sorry if it seemed like she was an animal, but she isn't. Anyways, please review and be creative! Go nuts! *Pauses for a moment* Wait a minute… Scratch that thought. Just review! Bye!


	4. CHAPTER IV

Chapter IV

****

"Damn them … making us sleep up here in the basement …" Cursed Irvine.

"Up in the basement?  Up in the basement?  You stupid asswipe …" Squall smirked in the darkness … fairly glad it was dark or he would have received a swift hit with a barrel of Irvine's gun.

"I believe it's up in the cellar …" Seifer corrected him.

"That's the same thing, you moron!" Squall snapped, now fairly annoyed at his companions' stupidities.

"Fine, Leonheart … what is this high place that we're in?"  Seifer glowered, "Huh?"

"Well … it's called an attic." Squall informed.

"Yeah, well fuck you and your stupid grammatical lessons!" Irvine yelled.

"It's not grammatical lessons, it's common sense you stupid apeshitter!" Squall yelled back.

"Fuck you!" Seifer yelled.

"No, fuck YOU!" Squall spat back.

"SHUUUUTTTT UUUUUPPPPPPP!!!!" A shrill cry came from bellow them.  Only it could be recognized as Selphie's.  

"FINE!  WE WILL!" Irvine yelled at the floor.

"What was the thing that just crawled across my navel?"  Squall asked.

"Probably your own hand, you pervert." Seifer mocked.

"No, I'm serious … something just ran across."

"Um … guys, I felt it too." Irvine said, his voice slightly shaking. "I seriously hope that really isn't your hand, Squall …because we're just friends … friends … ok?"

"Oh, yeah … I really want to kiss _you_!  You've probably got … herpies or something!"

They might have been a little slow however, the realization dawned on them that maybe it was really some unknown creature.  So the three sprinted up and down the stairs leading to the main floor.  

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" Seifer yelled as a warning to the girls.

"What the hell?" The three other girls yelled out, "It's three … in the MORNING!"

"There's something upstairs … and it's very, very dangerous!  So stand back … us men'll take care of it." Seifer calmed down.

"Men?  By hearing that scream Seifer, we could hardly call you a man." Quistis mocked, "Sissy boy, sissy boy … SISSY BOY!"

"Shut up!!" Seifer yelled back.

"In any case … we've got to take care of this thing quickly because …" Selphie stopped for a moment and sniffed the air … "Ok, who let that one rip?  What?  Are you guys so scared that one of yous shat their own pants??"

"That … stench is not human." Rinoa coughed, "In can only be one thing … and I know this from experience."

"So what is it?" Squall asked irritably, "No … wait … what's the experience?"

It was lucky for Squall that it was dark.  Because if looks could kill, he'd be six feet under, "Anyways …" Rinoa hissed, "SKUNK!"

At that moment everyone ran through the door and outside on the fields.  The lights at the neighbor's house switched on and old McGreggor with his limp came out with his Luger. "What in tarnation is goin' on over there?"

 "Uh … nothing, Sir.  We're just having ourselves a little fun." Squall tried to reassure the old man with something plausible.

"Ooh … that's a nice bunch of whores you got yourselves."

"THAT'S IT, I DON'T CARE IF HE HAS A LIMP, I'M TAKING THAT GUN AND SHOVING IT UP HIS-" Rinoa started towards the old man but was caught around her waist by a nearby Squall who held her back. "LEMME GO, LEMME GO!"

"Can I join ya?" The farmer grinned.

"No, sorry … one hole for all, that's the rules." Irvine slapped his forehead.  That old man needed a wife, or a goat or ANYTHING.

"We need to go back in." Selphie whispered, "Unless one of you can build us a new house."

"I can … I was planning to anyways." Squall said, "Right now we could sleep in the barn, destroy the house tomorrow and I could start building a shack and while we're sleeping there I'd build a real house."

"How long would that take?  How big is the shack?  Will it have indoor plumbing?" Rinoa was going into hysterics.

"Two months, tiny, no." Squall replied smiling, "And if you need to go now I suggest the bushes over there … but before I'd check where I stepped."

"Oh … great."  Rinoa was about to start crying.

"What's indoor plumbing?" Old McGreggor had resurfaced.

"Nothing, sir.  Go back to sleep." Seifer tried to keep the aggravation from his voice.

"Ok fine …" The old man went back into his maggot-eaten cabin.

"So hows for that house idea?" Squall asked.  

"Fine … but we're only sleeping with the pigs for A NIGHT." Rinoa snapped, "AND you guys will have to build an extra shack because we aren't sleeping in the same room as you!"

"Suuuure, _princess._" Squall 'agreed'.  He supposed it could shut her up for the remaining of the night and so henceforth he wouldn't have to deal with her until tomorrow evening.  

"So tomorrow, we'll show you around our land, girls." Irvine smirked.

Sammy-Chan: Ok, this was a very short and …. USELESS chapter … however, I like the skunk.  Well, it's not useless, as Ekika will say because it's going to get the story moving along and those 'relationships' blossoming … Teehee … As our evil French teacher would call it … it's a mini 'element declencheur'.  Ahh … bull to that!  Review, review and review!

Ekika: Well then…. 'Useless'… My ass! Anyways, I forbid the French language right about now… especially that French teac… *exiles Sam to the couch* Anyways, *very suspicious right now* like you are always… *hears Sam's science shit and chucks a pen at her* AHEM. Anyways, as I was saying, please perform your readerly… *turns to Sam in the background* WOULD YOU CUT THAT OUT?!!!! Anyways, review…. And Don't say anything… mOBSCENE… I like that song….


	5. CHAPTER V

Chapter V

****

"So … where's the golf cart or … wheelbarrow?" Selphie asked, "I mean … you aren't going to make us walk, are you … wait … don't answer that."

"Selphie, shut up and move your ass." Rinoa scowled, "And get used to the walking part.  These hics don't look like they have any other mode of transportation."

The 'men' ahead of them walked on and suddenly Seifer turned around, "Ok … lemme get this straight … you're Selphie …" He pointed to the short little brown haired girl, "You're Rinoa …" His finger shifted to the raven haired and finally to the blonde, "I'm sorry … I only know you as that fucking nagging bitch … that pinched my ear!" The bloody half moon was still present.

She went up to him and kicked him in the stomach, "Quistis!" She kicked him again, "QUISTIS!" And again, "QUISTIS!  GOT THAT YOU ASSHOLE, QUISTIS!" And again.

Seifer keeled over to his side clutching his stomach tightly, "Ooooh … holy shiiiit … biiiitch."

Squall and Irvine only looked on, trying very hard not to burst out laughing.  Seifer … beaten by a girl.  They would never let him hear the end of this one.

***

"This is the ranch … it's where I work.  We got cows, we got pigs … we got …"

"A homo … that's Irvine." Squall grinned.

Irvine continued as if he had heard nothing, "We got sheep … some roosters and chickens.  So who's going to work here with me?"

"Did you just say … cows?" Selphie wore an insane smile on her face, "Like … moo-moo cows?"

Groans could be heard from Rinoa and Quistis' part.  Irvine nodded his head, "That's right … moo-moo-milk-producing cows.  Bovine, if you will."

Selphie gasped and clapped her hands excitedly, "Woohoo!!  Dibs on the ranch!  I love cows!  Moo-moo-moo!!!  I am cow, I go moo … I weigh twice as much as you … and I look good on a barbeque!" She sing-songed.

"Right … looks like I'm stuck with a crazy shit …" Irvine gave off a strange nervous laugh.

"Moving on …" Seifer urged the rest of the crowd out … however … not soon enough so they did not hear Irvine go …

"Yeah … you and I are gunna have a lot of fuuuuun." Sarcastically … that is.

"Over there is the apple plantation … or orchard or whatever." He pointed to acres and acres of healthy apple trees.

"You do this for a living?" Quistis asked, "And you don't even know the right name?  What kind of an orchard-man are you?"

"Orchard man?  Excuse me?"  And that's when he got smacked in the face with a rotten apple.

"See?  These are going bad!  Not only are you mentally slow but you're physically too?  You're going to need my help." Quistis stated.

"Oh … no!  Any one but you!" He looked up at the sky questioningly, "You really do hate me, don't you?"

Squall stared down at Rinoa, "Yeah … you better be good …"

"Excuse me?  Run that one by me again?"

"I meant a good worker!" He snarled, "In any case … uh …" He looked her up and down … "Riight … we'll just have to do with what we have?"

"What is that supposed to mean, jackass!" Rinoa ran after him in the woods.  Yes, Squall was a lumberjack.

***

"MOO!  MOO!  MOOOOOO!" Selphie popped up right in front of the cow and looked as if she was trying to communicate with it.

Irvine, holding the milk buckets just stared at her, "Uhm … excuse me?" Selphie ignored him and kept 'mooing' at the cow.

"MOO!  MOOOOOOOO!  MOOOOOOOOO!" She bouncing up and down at this point.

Irvine, deciding that there was no way of communicating with her, started mooing himself, "MOO, FUCKING MOOOO!  ARE YOU THERE, MOO?  MOOO!"

Selphie just stared at him, "No, no, no … you've got it all wrong.  Extend the 'oooo's and I don't remember 'fuck' being part of bovine vocabulary!" And with that … she continued to moo at the cow, "MOOOOO, MOO, MOOOOOOOO!"

Irvine let out a sigh, dropped the buckets near the cow and decided to do something else while Selphie busied herself with the art of bovine communication.  Next thing on the list: cleaning out the manure.

***

"One apple, two apples, three apples, four … five apples, six apples, seven apples more …"

"Will you shut the fuck up, and get to work, you whore!" Seifer glared malevolently at her.

Her eyes nearly popped out of her head and steam could be seen coming out of her nostrils and she replied viciously, "Shut it or I'll make your head hit the floor!"

"Yeah, yeah …" Seifer brooded over being beaten at the 'rhyming game', "Why don't you, erm … climb up that tree and get that big apple there." He pointed at a very damaged tree of which the top branches were swaying, threatening to break if any weight was applied to them.

"See these shoes?" She pointed to her stilettos, "I got them for ninety bucks … they aren't made for climbing."

"Oh, poor baby.  What are they, Gucci's?" Seifer snapped sarcastically.

"What are you, gay?" Quistis retorted, not noticing the fact whatsoever that the man from this time period knew the make of her shoes.

***

"This is heavy!" She complained, her arms threatened to give way to the abnormally large load.

Squall raised an eyebrow, "Mhmm … ok, so just, uh … stand there … and I'll come get you at around five o'clock."

"WHAT?" She screeched, "IT'S ELEVEN!  AM!!  I WANT LUNCH!  … AND TEA!" 

Squall cleared his throat, "Tea?  Tea is for … wimps.  I drink coffee … and fuck your goddamn tea break, majesty.  I've got work to do."

"You can't just leave me here!" Rinoa whined.

"Watch me …" Squall sneered as he turned and began to walk.

 "Beasts can come after me … and kill me …"

"Oh, that would be a loss to society." Squall retorted, "Too bad, see you."

Rinoa dropped the load at her feet, picked up a smaller log and chucked it at Squall's head yelling, "ASSHOLE!"

It narrowly missed and went flying over his shoulder, "Holy shit, you're crazy!" He turned around, eyes wide.

"Don't leave me here …" There was definitely something evil about her look right now.

"Ahem … this way …" He continued to look very frightened indeed, thinking she would grab something and hit him over the head with it.  He pointed to a dirt path, "Erm … just don't touch my axe." 

Sam: MAHA!  We finally updated … isn't that, like … the fifth miracle or something?  Well, we were really busy so we're sorry for the wait.  Thanks for being patient and … REVIEW!  We want reviews, DANGIT!

Ekika: That's right… We're NOT dead. Although we might as well have been. Y'all understand what the word "Exams" mean, right? Course you do. Now, on with more pressing matters… That was the 1 768 956th miracle, not the fifth. Anyways, Review… Or else…  *mutters* Saggy… Wrinkly…. Pimply… Asses…*looks up* Oh... right… You're NOT my brothers…. Excuse that.


	6. CHAPTER VI

Chapter VI

****

Selphie bounced around the room excitedly, at occasion stopping in front of a cow and giving off long, exaggerated 'Moo's.  Irvine watched her go impatiently, wondering if the small, energetic girl would decide to do any work herself today.

He looked back to his work … shoveling cow manure into a pile.  The manure was usually used to fertilize the soils of the cornfield.  He sniffed the air disgustedly and continued piling on the digested substance. 

Selphie giggled and poked a cow, moved on to a sheep and rustled it's wool, "Your name is going to be CLOUD!  And your name is going to be PUFFY!" She stroked another sheep.  "And you are FLUFFY!" She moved on to another sheep.  Then she looked at Irvine's prized cow, "AND YOU SHALL BE THE GREAT BESSIE!"

"Oh Hell NO!" Irvine gasped, disturbed at the ugly name she had just given to his pride and joy, "Her name … is something … cool!  Like … CoolCow.  Or … SupaCow … or … Bovine."

"Laaaame-ooooo!" Selphie screeched at him and hopped onto the back of the cow, "Wheee!  Let's go for a piggy back ride … or … a cowy back ride in this case." She laughed at her own joke.

"Get off that cow." Irvine snapped, irritated.  In response she stuck out her tongue.  "Get off that cow." He repeated, this time with more anger to his words, "I SAID GET THE HELL OFF THAT COW!" As the animal began a slow trudge around the barn.

"Come here and make me …" Selphie chirped happily, "Yeehaw!" She smacked the cow on the behind, "Go lil Bessie, go, go!" The cow only continued to walk leisurely around its pen.  

Furious, the cowboy dropped his shovel, stormed over to the fence of the pen and attempted to climb it and reach the annoying girl riding his prized cow …

'Conveniently' forgetting that his boots were caked in slippery, slimy, nasty excrement.  Upon arriving that the top of the fence he swung his leg down only to make contact with more slippery, slimy, nasty excrements … thus falling … into more slippery, slimy, nasty excrements.  Oh woe was him …

"This … is … the … worst … day … OF MY LIFE!" He yelled loud enough to scare the crows that were perched on the roof of the barn. 

***

"I'm not going to get that lonesome, rejected apple … just because it reminds me so much of you." Quistis pointed at the poor apple on the damaged tree with weak swaying branches.

"Yeah you are.  That is your first assignment from your master, young grasshopper."

"You did NOT just call me a grasshopper." She gaped disbelievingly.

"Yeee … anyways.  Get the apple." Seifer ordered, "You will get the apple, come back down and offer me your body."

"I will what?" She snapped, "Like Hell I will!"

"Fine, change of plans.  You will get the apple, fall off the branch and crack your neck."

"Now why should I do that, so I can die?"

"That would be the point.  Putting us in two different dimensions … I amongst the living, and you amongst the … DEAD!"  He said enthusiastically, putting two thumbs up, "Got it … young grasshopper?"

"I-am-not-a-bug!" Quistis strung the words together as one in an angry rage.

"No … you're a bitch.  Last time I checked that was a mammal."

"Bite me!" She screeched.

"Sorry, I'm not into cannibalism … yet.  I'll give you a call when I follow Hannibal Lector's footsteps!"

She snorted and began examining apples on a very picky scale.

"Rotten …" She chucked an apple, "Rotten …" She chucked another one, "Rotten …"

Seifer turned around, shaking with anger at all the apples she had declared rotten had ended up bouncing off his head, "Will you stop that?!"

"Rotten …" Quistis threw another one at him as a response.

"You do that again and I swear I'll-"

"Rotten!" This apple was so bad it splattered against his head, "Oh … that looks good on you." She remarked before grabbing some more apples again.

"Not funny." He replied through clenched teeth, wiping away apple remains.

Quistis who had resulted to laughing her ass off retorted with childish glee, "Yes it is."

***

"I said don't touch my axe!" Squall snapped each time Rinoa got too close to his backpack.

"Which axe?" She asked innocently, silently plotting the ways she could decapitate him from behind.

"The pointy, sharp … dangerous one." He snapped once more, impatiently.

"Oooh … you mean, this one." She grabbed it from his bag, swinging it menacingly towards him.

His eyes went wide with fear, "My final days have come … an angry woman with an axe."

"Ah, that's where you're wrong.  I don't want to hurt you." She put on a cooing voice, "I'm not angry at you, Squally-Wally.  I JUST WANT TO CUT YOUR FREAKING HEAD OFF AND GOUGE YOUR EYES OUT!" And then added, "WITH A SPOON!"

His eyes were threatening to pop out of his head, leaving no need for her spoon. He turned around and began to run for the barn, trying desperately to out-run a very savage looking Rinoa… 

In vain. The rampant girl caught up to him and knocked him over, having dropped the axe to run a little faster. It seemed as though nature was not on their side for at that precise moment they fell down a hill.

One over the other they rolled down the hill, hitting odd places and what not. A few rebellious rocks decided to lodge themselves in the falling teenagers, causing yelps of pain to erupt from the victims of nature's fun.

However, that was not where the 'fun' stopped. No. It seemed that the pair had gone the wrong way and there was a river at the foot of the hill. Unable to do anything about it, they fell in the entity of water.

And no one said that the water was warm. No one said that Rinoa's shirt wasn't white. No one said that the flow of water wasn't fast. No one said that there wasn't going to be a big splash.

And guess what?  The water was freaking cold!  Rinoa's shirt _was_ white!  The 'said river' was a rapid … and there _was_ a big splash.

"I CAN'T SWIM!" Rinoa's shrieks rose before the water's current. 

"You are the biggest trouble I've ever encountered!" Someone grabbed her from around her waist, "Get onto my back!"

"Huh?" She clung onto him as if he was life support, "STOP LOOKING AT MY CHEST!" Her fist pounded into his back. 

"What? Do I now have eyes behind my head?!!" He yelled over his shoulder at the shrieking girl.

"YES!! YOU DO!!!" She screamed back, "You're like those freaky guys that stare at girls in the bus shelters!  The old, homeless men!"

"Well, know this:  there's fall coming up!"

"WHAT??" she screamed…

But by then it was too late. They had already crashed into the icy water bellow.

"I'm trouble, eh?" She retorted as the flow of water calmed down to a floatable pace, "And quit looking at my chest!"

Sabam: Muwahaha … isn't it such a heart-warming chapter?  *Tumble weed of silence rolls by, adds sarcastically* Oh yeah, I can tell we really played with your emotions today.  Sorry it took so long to update but we're really busy people … *Thinks* Even though we had the entire summer to update … I mean, uh … yeah.  It's not OUR fault that we lost the paper towel that contained the chapter … *Cries* We were too poor to get paper.  Anyways … Ekika's comments …

Ekika: Don't blame me… It was all Sam's fault. Anyways, returning to the conformity isn't as easy as it sounds either… And um… We are faced with a new dilemma: We need a topic for Science Fair. I'll make a deal with you all (even if it's like making a deal with the devil):  At least five good suggestions and we will post soon… Okay. Fine, sooner than this post…  *cries* Did I mention how sorry we are? WE ARE WORMS!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE????

Anyways, give us your suggestions in the form of a beautiful and very lovely review.  Once again: WE. ARE. WORMS.


	7. CHAPTER VII

Chapter VII

****

It was soon getting dark out and Irvine, Seifer, Quistis and Selphie had all returned to the stinking house.  None of them, however, dared to enter so they were all standing around in a circle wondering 'Where the hell is our temporary shelter?'.

"Something freaking reeks." Quistis snapped at the tired group, "And the general smell is wafting from Irvine."

"Oh my God!" Selphie squealed in delight and hopped around, "I need to tell you how this happened, k?  He was like, getting all pissy at me and then he slipped and fell … right in cow sh-"

"Shut up!  All I need is a shower!" Irvine snapped.

"Oh ew!" Quistis groaned and immediately moved away from the sharply smelling cowboy.  "God, I can't believe you didn't have the decency to stay away."

"Well, with your bitchy attitude I'm wondering if you're one to talk!" Seifer sneered and in response got a swift slap in the face.

"Where the hell is Rinoa?" Selphie sniffed.  She suddenly saw a tiny, baby squirrel and she picked it up before it could get away, "Aw … you shall be named Mini-Rin!  Since the real Rinoa is missing in action …"

"Uhm … I have a strange feeling that she won't appreciate that, Rinoa … not the squirrel.  Although … the squirrel may also get slightly offended as well." Irvine tried putting in without any luck.

The squirrel began to hiss and snap his teeth but Selphie only cooed, "Aw, you act exactly like her too …"

"Uh … Selphie …" Irvine moved away from the tiny girl, "Drop it now …"

The baby squirrel let off another hiss and sunk it's teeth in Selphie's middle finger causing the girl to howl and squeal and flail her arms, flinging the squirrel into the big world around her (God only knows where).  "That little shithead!  It was really possessed by Rinoa's spirit … I can sense it.  And that means Rinny's … Rinny's … she's dead!"

The 'intelligent' conclusion hit them like a ten ton, brick-filled pillowcase, "IT'S SQUALL'S FAULT!" Quistis raged on suddenly.

"He probably sold her to a whorehouse!" Selphie sobbed uncontrollably, "And that horny farmer probably KILLED her by trying to get naked!"

"THE SHEER SIGHT OF HIM KILLED HER!" Quistis was now crying as well, "MURDERER!!  HANG HIM!"

"Ok, let's calm down …" Seifer patted Quistis who had dropped her head on his shoulders, "Squall would never do such a thing …_ I_ would, but not Squall …"

Irvine was bubbling with a realization and he cried out his hypothesis, "They rolled down a hill, into a stream and down a waterfall!"

All eyes were on him and crooked smiles had replaced the frowns, "That's a good one …"

Irvine laughed and slapped his knee, "I know … totally impossible!"

"No, but seriously … where are they?"

***

Rinoa plodded on, arms still crossed over her chest, giving suspicious looks to Squall who was leading the way, "You have no clue where we're going." She concluded harshly.

"Chh … bullshit!  I know perfectly where we're going." He answered, "It's a known fact that men have more iron in their nose and henceforth have a better sense of direction than women."

"ASK FOR DIRECTIONS BEFORE I KILL YOU!" She screamed at him, causing an echo to occur. 'Before I kill you … kill you … kill you …'

"Oh sure!  Let's ask directions to this wonderful birch tree!  Why hello Mr. Tree!  How's the weather?  What's that you say?  That's one crazy bitch I'm traveling with?  Why I agree with you!"

Rinoa went up to him and punched him across the face, "GET - REAL!" She snapped at him, "I'm hungry, I'm tired, I'm cold … and you're LOOKING AT MY CHEST!" She trailed off into a whine.

"I am NOT!" He defended, "Your shirt is dry!  You can't even see anything anymore!"

"SO YOU HAVE BEEN LOOKING!" She hissed out her accusation and another merited smack across the head, "PERVERT!" Once again the echo, 'Pervert … ervert … vert …"

***

Irvine tilted his head to the sound waves that had made their way to their current location … 'Kill you … kill you …'

"Man, must be the echos from the mountains." He observed all smarty-pants like.

"Gee, that sounded oddly like Rinoa …" Quistis arched an eyebrow.

"They're dead, remember?  Dead … as in, NOT LIVING." Selphie snapped but then went off into a whine, "She never gave me back that CD I leant her … not that we have anything to play it."

"Oh lemme guess … Backstreet Boys?" Irvine sneered.

"No… It was Shania Twain."

"I don't think you're going to get it back… She told me that she was going to burn it, trash it, cut it to tiny bit and throw it out the window… From the ATTIC WINDOW."

"NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Just then, there was another echo that had reached their ears and they distinctly heard "…. Pervert…. Pervert… ervert… vert…"

"Yeah…" Irvine looked at the rest quizzically, "I'm pretty sure that was them."

"Hm… I dunno…. Maybe we should go look…" Quistis suggested.

"That would be the SMART thing to do… Are any of you smart? No? That's what I thought. We stay HERE." Seifer babbled to himself since everyone was gone.

"Hey! Wait up! I can't be left here alone!" He screamed as he ran after them.

"Oh! And we thought you were the big MANLY TYPE!" He heard Quistis yell back at him.

"You ASSUMED that." 

"Whatever."

***

"Let me clarify that for you. I am NOT a pervert. I was NOT staring at you chest…. Only quick snatches here and there but not full-blown staring… And white DOES look good on you… especially when it's wet-"

"I'LL CASTRATE YOU!!!!" She bent down and picked up a sharp rock, "WITH THIS!!"

"Woah there, buddy… Put down that rock and we'll discuss this in a civilized manner…"

"No. Fucking. Way." She said through clenched teeth. "That would take the fun away."

The crickets chirped, the bats screeched and a howl came from nowhere. It seemed that time had passed while they were arguing and the sun had gone down for the day. 

"Oh… oh…. Oh…." Rinoa's great fear of darkness could not be voiced, "I want a night light."

"Sorry, sweetheart, there aren't any Seven-Elevens around here." 

"But… But… but…" She wined as she hooked on to his waist, "I'm scared!"

"There, there…. You're not the one with a sharp rock digging into your back… That same rock that some girl had threatened you pride and joy with…"

Rinoa suddenly remembered that she had indeed threatened him with a rock AND that she was the one holding a rock that was indeed digging into his lower back.  She let go of the rock, hitting his ass on the way down.

"Ow…" He whined slightly.

"Aw there, there …" She clung onto him still, "Deeply sorry for that.  Now … you being the knight in shining armor," She said that bit with sarcasm slightly apparent, "You shall lead me out of this scary forest as I am your damsel in distress …"

"Lead you to safety where we can elope and have millions and millions of children?" He asked brightly.

"Ah-nooooooo … lead me to safety where I thus take a pistol and shoot you on the spot as a token of my gratitude."

"Aw … that sucks." It was his turn to do the whining, "Can I just feed you to that wolf over there?"

"WHAT WOLF?  AAAAH!" She screamed frantically and shoved her face in his shirt, "HELP ME!" Her cry was muffled.

"Oook there, can you STOP doing that?" He asked her 'nicely', "Ok, Rinoa … stop …" He was aware of the slight wetness on the front of his shirt, "STOP THE WATER WORKS!  THERE IS NO WOLF!" He cried out helplessly.  "Please stop … you're going to make me look as if I'm lactating … please stop …"

"I'm scared…" Her voice was, for once, without anger or sarcasm towards him.

"It's ok …" He patted her back awkwardly, "We'll find our way out … somehow."

Author's Notes: We are no longer worms!  *In odd Swedish accent* WE HAVE EVOLVED INTO BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLIES!  *Gets crushed on the wheel of a car* Ow … that hurt.  For our recovery, please perform your readerly duties and REVIEW!  Thankies.


	8. CHAPTER VIII

Chapter VIII

****

The dark blue sky had few dark masses that could be identified as clouds but the diamond stars lit up the heavens making it seem simply beautiful and nothing else.  The night called for romance in the air unfortunately, its desires were not met.  At least, not in the tiny mass of woods where Rinoa Heartilly and Squall Leonhart were huddled together around a tiny fire that had been attempted by Squall.

"I'm hungry … and you don't have to sit so close to me, I'm not that cold anymore." Rinoa muttered since she didn't quite have the energy to do much else.

"See, I would move away but you're clinging on to me." He tried to put in lightly as though not to anger the frightening creature.  She groaned and let go, edging away.  "I'm sorry, maybe it's my memory but I don't recall doing anything that could really make you hate me to this extent."

"Well, uh … wait … no … oh, there was that … no, that's not it.  OH WAIT … it was … no, that was in third grade, you weren't there.  Come to think of it … I really don't know." Rinoa answered and the reprimanded, "So why do you hate me?"

"I … don't." Squall concluded.

"Oh … oh … ok."

"Well … not that … that … has …"

  
"Just shut up."

"Now that's what I'm talking about!" Squall stated, "It's the negative energy between you and me.  I think I have a control issue."

"Really?" She arched an eyebrow.

"Actually, I was just making that up."

"Figures."

"So … how're you?" Squall asked randomly, pulling out conversations from hammer space.

"Fine." Rinoa replied.

"Yeah, you know what that stands for?" Squall asked, "Freaked out, Insane, Neurotic and Emotional."

  
"Isn't that from The Italian Job?" Rinoa questioned.

"Damn, you lowered my creativity skills."

"Uh huh…. NOW TELL ME THE TRUTH ABOUT YOU!" She jumped up on her two feet and snapped at him, "You know about therapists!  By the looks of it, this place doesn't look like it's too technologically advanced.  The scary neighbor farmer doesn't know what indoor plumbing but you do!  You and your 'iron nose' and scientific facts that haven't even come out yet.  You are a glitch in time, my friend and you are going to tell me how, what, when and why!  And I would add where if I thought it made any sense presently!"

"Well, 'what' didn't fit either but you just went straight ahead and threw that one in!"

"Ah shaddup and answer me!"

Squall shut up and began miming out things, "Why you little …" Rinoa hissed vehemently and went towards Squall in a raging tyranny.  He sheltered his head with his arms and shrugged his shoulders.  "SPEAK!"

"You told me to shut up!" He said in his own defense.

"Well, I UN-SHUT YOU!  ANSWER!" 

"Listen, you can't let Selphie or Quistis know!  Good for you, you were smart enough to figure it out but anyone else can't!  Just … shut up about it!  Don't even tell Seifer about it … or Irvine.  Especially Irvine, he knows how to aim with a shot gun."

"Why did you keep it a secret?" Rinoa whispered.

"Because you'd think us crazy.  Listen, we come from a place called Balamb … have you ever heard of that?  No … but it's true.  We aren't crazy-"

  
Rinoa's face vaulted, "I live in Deling." She mumbled, "My father tried at several times to blow up that town you come from because it's 'ugly and worthless to the economy' and that's just completely taking aside the fact that you're an independent region."

"CARAWAY!" Squall yelled and pointed at her, "You're his spawn!  STAY AWAY!" He did a small cross with his two index fingers and backed away from her.

"Last I recall you tried to blow US up … with your stupid SeeD forces and what not-"

  
"I'M A SeeD!" Squall screamed back.

"So you tried to blow me up!"  She yelled back, "BAH!" She cut him off when he tried to speak, "That's it, ATTEMPTED MURDER!"

"There's gunna be one more!" Squall raised his fist threateningly.

"Hit me, SeeD boy and the first thing you'll know my father's lawyers'll be after your goddamn ass-"

"Because daddy's here to protect you now?"

"No … but, that's completely besides my point.  What happened to before when we were civil?" The last sentence was some sort of whine.

"We were civil?"

"Well five minutes ago we were." She whined some more, "I'm tired and hungry and we're lost and we're … we're screwed."

"That we are."

"Okay, well, here's the plan. I'm going to sleep in that cave out of the rain that's about to poor and you can stay here, by the fire. So, how it works is that I get dryness and you get about-to-be-extinguished-warmth, okay?" She said, completely proud of how smart she could be at times. She had managed to get the longer end of the deal.

"Uh … or I could come in the cave with you and we could make our own warmth."

  
"GET AWAY FROM ME! YOU STAY OUTSIDE AND POUND ON THE WALL YELLING 'WILMAAAAAAA!'"

"I didn't mean it that way!" Squall tried to put in, "And since when is your name 'Wilma'?"

"Oh, I'm sure that's not what you mean." She retorted sarcastically and chose to ignore the last statement.

"Just admit it, human body heat is a great source of warmth and with two people, we'd have more luck at keeping it."

"FUCK OFF!!!"

"Aww… But I don't want to be wet…" Squall whined. As an after thought, he added, "Besides, you never know if there's a bear living in there…"

"Let's see," she started sarcastically as she imitated a balance scale, "Attempted murderer," she sneered as she stuck up her right hand slightly higher than the left, "or imaginary bear." Doing the same with her left.

She continued to imitate a balance for an extended period of time. She wasn't in a happy mood and it was very evident to Squall. However, he wasn't exactly content either. He was not being taken seriously while he was 'gallantly trying to save her life from mortal peril' while trying to skootch his way into shelter.

Slowly, his face muscles began to twitch and all could see that she was hitting a nerve. Except for her. She was too busy making a mockery of him to notice.

"Alright already. I know what you're trying to do and it's not working. You might _think_ that you hold all sorts of 'power,'" he said that using air quotes, "but it's not working. It's well known that men-"

"Excuse me?" she asked incredulously while holding a very large tree branch. "Run that by me again."

"Okay. I take that back. Let's think about this rationally."

"Rationally? Rationality has just left for The Island Closest To Hell!" She snapped.

"Okay. Just forget about what personal issues you have with me and remember them tomorrow. Right now, I just want to sleep.  Not fuck, sleep.  So you don't have to worry about anything at all … except maybe that imaginary bear."

"I shake with fear." She rolled her eyes.  Suddenly, unexpectedly … it began to pour.  Big gushing drops fell down from the seemingly 'clear skies'.  Rinoa and Squall ducked inside the cave, bear or not.  "Why does this always happen?  It's like someone's WRITING our story and having fun making us miserable."

"You come up with the wildest ideas." He mumbled and rubbed his eyes, "I'm so tired, let's just sleep."

"You stay on that end, I'll stay on this end.  Warm or not.  It's called the fetal position stupid."

"Did you just say 'foreplay'?"

  
"FE-TAL PO-SI-TION."  She articulated the words like a teacher would to a slow children.

"Fecundation?"

"NO!  FUCK YOU!"

"Rather fuck _you_ but anything works."

"Bah!"

They each marched to their separate corners ready to fall asleep away from one another.  The floor wasn't comfortable, anyone knew that but the rocks and dirt were deathly cold from the lack of sun and were conveniently poking their backs because that is just what rocks do.  They shifted for five minutes, founding a less painful position and silence consumed the cave.

Rinoa was having trouble sleeping due to all the noises of the forest. Not to mention it was cold. She would never admit it to anyone and especially not Squall. He'd probably end up suggesting face sucking to take their mind off the pain.

On the other side of the cave, Squall faced the same troubles. Hesitantly, he called out to Rinoa. "Hey… Are you still awake?" He waited thirty seconds for an answer but none came.  "Okay… fine… I take it as a 'no'." And he continued to shift again.

"UGH! Could you stop that?" She yelled. 

"Great. Glad that I woke you up."

"What do you want?"

"Tell me, what's so bad about me?"

"Nothing… Aside from being a pervert, trying to kill me and pissing me off all the time."

"Well… You never gave me a chance."

"And who's problem is that?"

"Um… aww…"

"Yeah. Now go to sleep."

They shut up and tried to sleep again. Squall was about to fall asleep when someone wrapped their arms around him and whined, "I'm cold." That was confirmation. It wasn't a dream.

"Excellent." He muttered gleefully.

  
"What?"

  
"I said … uh … me too."

  
"Right."

He pulled her over to the front of him and stretched an arm out for her to rest her head on.  The rain pounded outside.  "I can't sleep through thunderstorms." Rinoa whined slightly.

"This isn't a thunderstorm."

  
"I'm still scared."

He held her closer as if it provided a source of comfort. "That better?"

"Um… Not really… but thanks." She turned around and gave him a small kiss on the cheek.  Feeling bolder, he kissed her on the lips ever so lightly. She responded and deepened the kiss.

They broke for air and whispered, "Wow …" They stared each other in the eye and Rinoa spoke up first.

"I don't feel so scared anymore."

Silently, they drifted off to sleep, never knowing that they dreamt about each other as they forgot it when the morning came.

Author's Note: We are fucking worms, god save us, this took forever and our creativity is at zero.  Pray for two months at least.  And if you don't review, oh believe you me … we are going to find out where you live and rip your spine from your ass … and beat you with it.  THEN go after you're family.  Do not call CIA … please, we're enough trouble as it is.  REVIEW.  Please?


End file.
